Monstrous Races Read online

  ‘Um...sort of, and I’ve never heard anything like that music before. How long have you been in your band?’ she asked, pleased with her sudden change of subject.

  ‘Not long, but we try to practice our instruments every day. Elvis says we’ll make it big, but who knows?’

  ‘Oh hello,’ came a deep, throaty dog-head voice behind her. ‘Who’s been a busy girl?’ Rufus sat down next to Elli and immediately launched into the last of the winkles.

  ‘This is Whaler,’ she said, staring at Rufus and narrowing her eyes. ‘He’s in the band.’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ said Rufus, yawning. ‘I heard that racket downstairs. Is this your harpsichorgan Whaler?’ he asked, the candlelight glinting in his eyes. Whaler nodded mutely. 'I haven’t played one of these in a while. Hang on.’ He scooped it up and adjusted some of the levers. ‘That’s on the lowest setting for a start, and this one needs bleeding, it’s full of trapped air.’ His fingers moved nimbly along the various levers and pulleys and over the coloured raised rectangles. Music cascaded out of it, clear and perfect, and Rufus’ fingers danced rapidly all over it. He stopped and handed it back to Whaler, aware for the first time that people were looking around at him. ‘There you go, sounds fine now. And if you’ll excuse us a moment, we need to have a little talk with Billy.’ They stood up and walked towards Billy, leaving Whaler looking dejectedly at his harpsichorgan.

  ‘That was rude,’ she said to Rufus as they weaved their way through tables and people. ‘That poor boy has to go back on that stage now knowing that everybody heard it played properly. And I was talking to him before you interrupted.’

  ‘I’m assuming you haven’t talked to Billy yet, which is the reason you were up here. I only asked you to do one thing.’

  ‘The reason I was up here on my own in the first place is because you were downstairs with your lady friend, leaving me to sort things out as usual.’

  ‘Well if you must know she didn’t turn up,’ he hissed. ‘I was stood up. Me. I’ve spent most of the evening fending off people from my past, and I finally had to settle the bill in this place as the owner put me into a corner. He told me I wasn’t coming out until I paid and he cracked his knuckles at me. Things have really changed around here.'

  ‘You haven’t,’ she replied, looking up at him. ‘You’re still feeling sorry for yourself, as ever.’

  ‘You do realise that a bottle of finest malt whiskey was on my tab because you told that old rottweiler to buy himself a drink.’

  ‘Was it?’ she asked innocently.

  ‘We’d better make sure we get those jobs. That’s three groats you owe me already. Billy!’ he called out loudly, waving his hands and walking towards him. Billy turned around slowly, beaming with pride.

  ‘Rufus, and little Elli isn’t it? I saw you at your table. What did you think of my boy?’ he asked, patting Elvis firmly on the back.

  ‘I heard it from downstairs,’ said Rufus, ‘that’s why I came up. I didn’t know it was your Elvis, it was like nothing I’ve ever heard before.’

  ‘Did you hear that, son?’ Billy asked him. ‘It’s innovative, see. I don’t know where he gets it from, both me and his mother are stone deaf.’

  ‘That’s got to help,’ said Rufus, ‘to....um... create something so new and fresh-sounding. And the costume,’ he added dramatically, ‘so unusual.’

  ‘That’s archangel fish,’ mumbled Elvis. ‘You dry the skin first then heat it up and it shimmers. You put varnish on it to stop the smell.'

  ‘Do you,’ said Rufus admiringly. ‘Of course Elli here is a great fan of your music, she just said she thought you were very...’

  ‘Musical!’ interrupted Elli, ignoring a glare from Rufus. ‘Yes, very musical indeed.'

  ‘We just wondered if we could have a little chat to you about Goat Cuisine, when you’ve got a minute,’ said Rufus, ignoring the darkening candle-light and jumping up and down that Elvis was doing.

  ‘Hmm? Oh yes, of course,’ replied Billy, distracted now. ‘We’ll talk about it afterwards. Why don’t you sit with us for the second half? Then you’ll be up nice and close.’

  ‘We’d love to,’ said Rufus with feeling. ‘But Elli here has had a long day. We’ll call in tomorrow to talk to you.’

  ‘No, I feel fine thanks Rufus,’ she said brightly, ‘really wide awake. You couldn’t really appreciate them from downstairs, I think we should sit here and enjoy the show.'

  Rufus looked down at her and visibly sagged, slinking into his seat. ‘Oh, I’m so pleased you can stay,’ said Billy with a wide grin. ‘You’ve got to hear their rendition of I go cheap cheap, it’s about a depressed chicken who feels isolated from the other chickens. It’s very moving.’ Rufus smiled politely and pinched Elli’s arm underneath the table as she stamped down on his toe. Both glared at each other but were interrupted as Elvis ran back onto the stage, clucking and thrusting his elbows into his sides. ‘I don’t know where he gets his moves from either,’ Billy whispered to Rufus, who sank down further into his chair.

  The next morning Rufus walked towards the doors of Goat Cuisine poking his finger in his ear. It had been raining earlier, and his trousers had begun to absorb some of the rain travelling up towards his knees from the deep, heavy puddles he’d trodden in. ‘You couldn’t appreciate it from downstairs,’ he said, mimicking Elli’s voice. ‘I doubt I’ll ever be able to hear again. All I’ve got is a strange ringing now.’ She yawned and looked up at him, her lids heavy with lack of sleep.

  ‘Well you left me up there in the first place. Thanks for the support. I had to sit through it on my own, think how I felt.’

  ‘It really was awful,’ he muttered as they approached the large white doors of Goat Cuisine. ‘How did that kid manage to make a worse noise with the harpsichorgan after I’d tuned it up? And don’t get me started on Elvis. That was the least amusing chicken dance I’ve ever had to sit through,’ he whispered, looking up at the sign that hung over the door. It was the face of a smiling goat, and was painted with intricate precision. Every detail was there, from the autumn landscape behind it to the smile of its peg-like teeth. ‘Max did that one. He won’t touch goat now of course.’

  Elli nodded mutely and knocked on the door, pleased that her new shoes had kept her feet dry. A huge ogre answered it, his mottled hair greying around his gleaming horns and a pristine apron pinned to his front. A small pair of ornate glasses were perched on his bulbous nose and hooked up around his horns, magnifying his glinting eyes as he looked down at them. Elli could faintly smell mud and earth.

  ‘You are both here about the kitchen roles?’ he asked, his voice as hard and old as rock but polished as well. They both nodded, wide-eyed as they looked up at him. 'Billy said to tell you to please do come in. He is in the kitchen. If you would like to follow me,’ he said, turning around and walking off quickly. Rufus and Elli followed, taking two steps to each of his. They walked through into a large, clean-looking kitchen, where every utensil shone with dedicated scrubbing and each ingredient was packaged, dated and named.

  ‘This is brilliant,’ she whispered, looking around at the sparkling surfaces. Rufus nodded, taking in the smells of goat being delicately prepared in so many different ways. He licked his lips and then peered as a heavy-set woman walked through from a door to their left with her back to them. She walked backwards around a large table, avoiding injuring herself on any of the corners or overhanging plates that were in her path, and finally walked past them both so that she was facing them. She placed the pot down and wiped her hands in her apron.

  ‘Are you here about the jobs?’ she asked merrily. ‘I do hope so, we’re rushed off our feet.’ Billy appeared at the same doorway and followed her over, carrying a large orange pot that he was struggling with.

  ‘They are,’ he called to her from the other side of the table. ‘They’re here to get started. Gwen, find them an apron each will you?’ Gwen walked off whilst facing them, and Billy placed the heavy pot on the table. ‘She’s a treasure, be
en here for years love her. Have you met a nuli before?’ Elli shook her head. ‘So you haven't seen the backwards walking then? You’ll soon get used to it. Sometimes I forget and end up walking like it myself. And you’ve met Leo here,’ he added smiling, as Leo turned and waved his cleaver at them, with malice thought Rufus. ‘The best chef in the business if you ask me. He has the most delicate way of presenting the food, carving little flowers out of vegetables, that kind of thing.’

  Gwen appeared with her back to them and walked forwards, and it was then that Elli saw that her feet were pointing towards them although her body wasn’t. She walked past them and then stopped as she faced them. ‘Here are your aprons,’ she said cheerily. ‘Which of you is working with me?’

  ‘That’ll be Rufus here,’ answered Billy. ‘If you want to go on over to the sink Gwen has some pots and dishes that need scrubbing.’ Rufus looked at him blankly.

  ‘But you said I’d be a waiter,’ said Rufus, disbelief furrowing his brow. ‘Last night. Remember? You said I’d make a fine addition to the team and be charming for the diners,’ he added encouragingly.

  ‘So you will, but you spend the morning scrubbing and cleaning first, isn’t that right Gwen?’ asked Billy.

  ‘Oh yes my dear,’ she answered. ‘You’ve got to be a scrubber first.’ She grabbed at his hands and looked at the palms. ‘Soft hands as well. We are privileged,’ she said laughing as she led him towards a large sink piled high with dishes.

  ‘And you’re with Leo,’ said Billy, leading Elli over to a dish of radishes that he was delicately carving. ‘Your official title is Sue-chef, on account of our dear friend Sue who had the job before you. She was with us for years. Not a day goes by that we don’t remember her, isn’t that right Leo?’ Leo nodded in agreement.

  ‘Oh I’m sorry. Did she die?’ asked Elli sensitively.

  ‘She ran off with a body-builder from the Slothian Republic,’ answered Billy. ‘And at the age of seventy-five as well. What a way to go. Right, I’ll leave you in the capable and rather large hands of Leo here, and carry on if you don’t mind. We’re opening in three hours...’ he called, his voice trailing off as he disappeared through another door. Elli looked up at the huge ogre who steadfastly ignored her and carried on carving the radishes, holding them gently in his huge, calloused hands. When he’d finished and placed them neatly on serving plates he turned to her.

  ‘I do hope you were watching carefully, because you’re doing the rest. After that you’ll be preparing my onions. Anything that is below standard you’ve got to eat. That’s the rule,’ he said, watching her reaction as she looked at the large pile of radishes in front of her.

  ‘It’s a good job I like radish then,’ she said under her breath.

  He sighed. ‘The first time I did this I ate two hundred radishes. Not even any mayonnaise to go with them. I haven’t eaten them since. I haven’t wanted to. Understand?’ He peered down at her through steamed-up glasses and she nodded. ‘Good. And if you aren’t sick of radishes by lunchtime, then you will be sick of onions. Trust me.'

  Chapter Nine

  Raw fish, onions and a foetid little worm

  They slumped down on the chairs in Max’s house and sat in silence for some time. All was quiet and dark inside, and Elli appeared to be carving tiny radishes in the air. ‘Tea,’ mumbled Rufus, his eyes glazing over. ‘Need tea.’

  ‘Me too,’ she said slowly. ‘And cake. Anything to take away the taste.’ He nodded in the dark. ‘Arms not working properly,’ she whispered.

  ‘I’ll make it,’ he said standing up. ‘I need the lavender cream out there for my hands after Gwen ruined them.’ He lit some lamps in the room and watched as they threw their long shadows over the walls. ‘Look at them,’ he said sadly, holding his hands up in front of him. ‘They look like they’ve been trodden on by a horse. And my arm hurts where that plate hit me.’

  ‘To be fair Rufus, I think the man you poured the soup over was also in pain. It’s got to hurt down there, I think it was a reflex.’

  ‘No, it was his wife that threw it,’ he said yawning and shuffling off to the kitchen. ‘She was the one with the temper. I did say it was an accident. I had to fend her off with bread rolls.’

  Elli listened to the clanging and general noise from the kitchen and sank further into the chair. It hadn’t been a bad night really, and she’d learned so much about cooking. She’d carved, roasted, fried, presented and drizzled, and Leo had said she showed promise after she’d eaten the forty-two radishes and nine onions.

  She had to spend some of her time making sure that her delicious efforts reached the customers without intervention from Rufus, who repeatedly tried to eat the odd morsel as he took the plates. They’d eaten well anyway, and had been allowed to share some of the dishes that weren’t up to standard. Hearing him whisper to her to mess more of them up was a greater incentive to get them right, and he told on her on the way home that he was disappointed she hadn’t listened. She knew fully well that he’d hoovered up any left-overs from customers as well, and he still had a faint line of gravy around his muzzle.

  He placed the tea on the table in front of her and threw down a piece of apple pie. He then came back in with his far bigger piece, falling into the chair and eating it in two mouthfuls, following it off with a quiet burp. ‘And did you see who had a romantic dinner for two tonight? Josie and some husky-type. All blue-eyes and fake charm. She looked embarrassed to see me as well,’ he said sadly. ‘Of course I was all good manners and smiles. I dropped some sauce on his chair when he went to the toilet but he noticed it before he sat down. Shame.' They heard the front door open and Max came in, his black coat pulled tight around him.

  ‘Evening you two. Have a good day?’ They looked up at him with large, desolate eyes. ‘Maybe not then. Still, good honest graft, that’s what you wanted isn’t it Rufus?’ His eyes glinted in the lamplight. ‘I’ve got something for you Elli, but...you reek of onions. Go and chew on some liquorice bark first and then we’ll talk,’ he said, wrapping his scarf up around his nose. She nodded mutely and walked off towards the kitchen, returning with the brown bark clamped down between her teeth.

  Max sat back and pulled out a small paper bag from inside his coat. 'This was Rufus’ idea really,’ he said, slowly unwrapping it. ‘And it's quite a good one I think. You see a key problem is that this necklace of yours glows more each day, people will start to notice so you won’t be able to hide it inside your clothes for much longer. How’s this for a solution?’ he asked with a flourish, pulling out a deep red locket, larger than her stone and glistening in the candle-light. ‘Auntie Beryl made it. She had some left-over fake ruby, let’s just check it fits around your stone.’

  He carefully opened up the large empty locket and Elli pulled out her stone, the particles of light now swirling like mist around it. ‘Looks like good timing to me,’ he said, closing it up inside the locket and clamping it shut.

  ‘That’s brilliant,’ said Elli, feeling the dull glass against her skin and itching to take it off. ‘Thank you Max.’

  ‘Excuse me, whose idea was it?’ Rufus asked from his seat, still lazily examining his course hands.

  ‘And thanks Rufus,' she added wearily. 'Any news on the other stone?’

  ‘It's near Dundry Woods now,’ said Max as he slipped his boots off. ‘I’ve got the dogs trailing them. You two did well to travel by night to get here, but they’ll be here soon enough. Lord Lansdown with men, some with horses but most are footsoldiers. They're adding to their numbers daily with promises of riches and glory. I hear a few dog-heads are joining them as well. And they've got a covered cage at the back, they’ve got something in there that they’re proud of.

  I hear he’s been throwing his weight about, chucking people out of their homes in the dead of night and offering a reward for you. It could be a week or a month, but they’ll get here eventually,’ he added darkly, kicking his boots across the floor. Rufus sat up in his seat, his ears pricked up.


  ‘That soon?’ he asked, following it with a lengthy sigh. ‘Do we need to leave already? I haven’t sorted out the arrangements yet.’

  Max sat back in his seat. ‘You’re safer here than anywhere else, you know that. There are thousands of people who live in Brayston, and we’ll look out for you.' He raised a bushy eyebrow at Rufus. 'In the meantime we’ll find out more about what’s coming. Think of a way to take that stone off him. You two just carry on as normal.’

  ‘So carry on with work,’ Rufus said flatly.

  ‘Exactly. Carry on with honest, paid work,’ replied Max, sniggering. ‘Oh and clean up a bit. We might have some more guests soon,’ he added, rising from his seat.

  ‘What guests? asked Rufus, scratching his muzzle.

  ‘The dogs say it'll be tomorrow. Goodnight all,’ he called as he bounded up the stairs.

  ‘Oh I hope it’s not Cousin Beatrice,’ whispered Rufus. ‘She comes here from the country, bringing all the smells of the farmyard with her.’

  The next morning Elli woke up with considerable effort and pulled on her clothes whilst half-asleep. She gently knocked on Rufus' door but soon thought better of it, and began thumping on it but there was still no answer. She ran down to the kitchen and, armed with a ladle and a saucepan, she walked into the half-lit room.

  Rufus was deep under the blankets, curled up and muttering about owls. His leg was twitching as though running away from something in his dream, and he cried out, 'the woodlice, they're coming.' Elli didn't have the heart to wake him up so suddenly, so she began gently calling his name. As this had no effect she became louder and louder, until finally she pulled up the fold of his ear and called directly into the ear canal. He tried to swat her away as if she were a large fly, so Elli raised the ladle and saucepan above her head. 'Sorry Rufus,' she whispered gently.

  'I tried to wake you more gently first of all, I really did,' she said, holding what he considered to be her instruments of torture behind her. 'We need to get to work now. I'll make you some breakfast, we'll have to eat it on the way.' She thought she heard him murmur in agreement, or it could have been an expression of pain as he began to hoist himself up.